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April 28, 1999

Email with Sloane

[Sloane's words in italics.] Oh!! There is one interesting bit of information that has come across the wire. I got a phone call from Greg Palmer today. Greg Palmer was the guy in my high school who had his fingers in every pie: Presidential Scholar, president of every club, band geek, etc, etc. Three guesses what that phone call was regarding, and the first two guesses don't count. Yep....it's reunion time. Woohoo!! It is scheduled for August 6 and 7. A two day event. How scary is that. So I have 17 weeks (yes, I counted) to lose 60 pounds, get a good paying job, hot, successful boyfriend, and find a killer outfit. No pressure. None. Very relaxed. Calm. Peaceful. SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cue tragic score.....DUM DUM DUUMMMMMM!! Commence weeping.......I'm considering taking up bulimia as a hobby.

Hoochie Momma!!!! Good luck, girl. I was at 196 lbs. with a goal of 169 lbs. in the ten weeks prior to my reunion... one week away and I hadn't lost an ounce, so I bought Star Caps ($100 at GNC... but they WORK) and got down to 186 and felt better about myself. Of course, one month later, I'd weigh 205, so... it's a deal with the devil. Good luck to you! Go, even if you weigh 300 lbs. You'll kick yourself if you don't at least go. As you know, I had a blast. It's just a very surreal experience. How can we have graduated 10 years ago? Very strange. Good luck on your quest to be thin, rich, engaged, and in the best looking Vera Wang gown south of the Oscars. Let me know how you do! As for Bulimia... I'd recommend becoming a cocaine addict first. Then try bulimia if you don't reach goal weight in time. That nasty puking is really bad for your teeth. Coke may give you nosebleeds, but at least you don't care as much about hygiene as if you were sober and purging. See, you wanna go for the path of least consciousness. Don't know what you're doing to yourself and you're much more likely to succeed at it. Right?

I'm stalled out at 169 - 171. I keep showing up at Jenny Craig every week to weigh in... and I keep spending the money, knowing that I'll break out of the plateau eventually, if I just keep at it. But the emotional issues are the biggies now. I have done as much as I can on the purely physical level. Now the work gets really hard and very personal. And I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet. This past week and a half has been a roller coaster of bullshit and tears. Every person I've taken care of for the past few months has now shit on me. In a way, that's a good thing, since I can now go from feeling "poor me" about it all and now be pissed. Anger is a great motivator. Of course, that's easy to say when you've just had a Butterfinger for breakfast. What the hell do I know anyway?

I look great. I know that. Size 12 jeans... tucking shirts in... But, it's still feeling like failure to be 18 lbs. away from Goal and not moving one inch toward it. Maybe it's when I let go that it'll all come together. We'll see.

Lessee......I passed Chicken Shit on Alps the other day. Don't know if he recognized me without "Sucker" stamped on my forehead. Still haven't run into him in the big bad world, or even the Engine Room. Go figure. I came across that Halloween picture of him you gave me and was actually embarrassed. He was dressed as a clown. Ahhh....you have to appreciate the irony.

Well, I'm glad the wussy knows better than to show up at the ER. He'd be wrung through if I were there. Trust me! I'd treat him like the bitch that he is. Well, as for the clown irony (and yes, I do appreciate it), I think we really do reveal ourselves without meaning to in photos. The one I have of Ed from before I left Athens is the absolute poster-child-for-hemp-nation if you ask me. Whenever I miss any part of what I had with him, I look at that photo and remember him leaving my room to go downstairs to watch The Simpsons b/c that TV was "closer to the beer". Then I know that I did not cut ties with my Prince Charming... so there's nothing to mourn. Same for you, sweetie. HIS LOSS.

So that's me in a nutshell. How are you?? Absolutely fabulous I hope. Can't wait to see you in May!!

Ooh, ouch... news on that... I'm not going to make it home in May after all. My acting class has bumped its "final exam" (a comedic improv scrimmage) to 5/17, so I'd have to leave after that... which means I'm missing Mother's Day and mom's birthday anyway... so, I'm going to push it until after my job here at the temp agency is through, so I don't have to take off work and miss out on earning money, plus spend money, to go home. I can just wait until the summer, when my work here is through anyway, and then have the flexibility to take off whenever. Also, I need to save money to get into my own apartment (the roommate situation is not pleasant) and, of course, to get my new photos done. Then there's tuition (but worth paying, since it saves me making $300 / month loan payments) and books... you see, it's getting tight and... well, I'm already not going to be there on Mom's special days, meaning I'm the evil child... no longer the favorite. So, I might as well stay out here and be totally selfish until I'm famous enough to redeem myself somehow.

Yes, I'm filled with guilt on this issue. Suckola! Of course, stack Mom, Ed, Maria, Dawn and anybody else on the stack and you'll understand why I'm craving drugs again. Luckily, I have not tried to acquire my beloved Fiorinal, nor have I resumed smoking. I have, however, renewed a love affair with chocolate. So be it. I deserve a vice right now. I'm homesick and poor and lonely and heartbroken and fat. So there!

Of course, not everything is THAT bad... I'm just venting. I'm actually feeling on "the other side" of my shit too. The shift I mentioned above, from "poor me" to anger, has been very helpful, methinks. A very different energy now. Maybe one that will serve me better for awhile.

Posted by bonnie at April 28, 1999 4:48 PM