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April 20, 1999

Emotions

Emotions emotions emotions! Damn it, this is hard work. I get so afraid of telling anyone what I really want or need, or how it hurts me when they treat me carelessly... so I never say a word. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT LANDED ME HERE! I have to do this! All the way through. It is so hard to stand up for myself, when I've thought my whole life that I have to be perfect or else I will be left, I'll be unloved, I'll be abandoned. So, as soon as I feel the need to stand up for myself, I get petrified of the consequences... and do nothing. Oh, well... I eat.

Right now I'm just thankful that I'm not smoking, drinking, drugging, sexing, or lying my way through the pain... eating, I can handle. And I'm keeping it in check by staying 90% on Jenny Craig and showing up at the scale every Thursday, like it or not. So, that's progress. It really is. But now I have to find the guts to take care of me, no matter what. I HAVE to stop worrying so much about what others may think of me if I do... anything. It doesn't matter. This is about me. It's time for me to begin treating myself with the respect and love I reserve for everyone else and stop expecting it from them. That's not what creates my self worth. And it's not their judgements that diminish it. It's my own.

Posted by bonnie at April 20, 1999 4:46 PM