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May 24, 2001

When Did I Get So Old?

I'm not sure when it happened. I can't really pinpoint a particular moment of realizing, "Hmm, this feels harder to do than it did the last time I did it. I must be getting older." No, it was more like, "Why am I so sore? Why am I so tired? Why would I rather go to bed with a good book than that hot guy over there, if it means having to do the work of flirting, catching, cleaning, and cooking the damn thing? Why am I acting 80?!?"

So often, I'm sure I'm still a teenager. Nothing much has changed, in terms of my likes and dislikes. Too much perfume or cologne still pisses me off. Bass thumping so loudly from a car's speakers that the street cracks still annoys me. These aren't new traits of the Grumpy Old Hag I've become. I still firmly believe that weekly massage and chiropractic adjustments could bring about world peace. I still know Robyn Hitchcock is a genius and John Cusack will marry me the instant he meets me. Yep, same beliefs for over 15 years now. And I enjoy a cherry popsickle today as much as I did after playing all day on the Slip-n-Slide in the front yard.

Of course, there's the gradual wrinkle I notice once every few months. I have to pluck and tweeze and things that I never had to as a teenager. My fingernails won't stay long all at the same time and I no longer have the time to paint little portraits on them with acrylic paint. I don't spend hours trimming split ends off my hair. I use moisturizer religiously. It takes much longer to bounce back from illness, a drunken bender, or a fall (and somehow I've gotten much more clumsy these days).

But when did I start making noises when getting into and out of my car? When did I start saying, "Oy," under my breath when getting out of bed? When did I start squinting so often that it feels strange to force relaxation into that spot just above my left eyebrow?

Maybe those things happened just as gradually as the ability to find joy in a familiar song, passion over a new idea, and unconditional love for a dear friend. Perhaps it's just a by-product of the years passing, that my mind - and my body - find pleasure in the simple things. Maybe it's all part of the grand scheme of things and I'm becoming a wise soul. Or, could it be, just possibly, that I'm a lazy old coot who is grumpy and needs a nap? Yeah. That sounds about right. Now get off my yard before I come after you with this cane!

Posted by bonnie at May 24, 2001 2:01 PM