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February 11, 2005

Wrap-up

Today was good. I'm still on some sort of really whacked out sleep cycle (mostly due to avoidance-of-symptoms desires on my part as well as odd reactions to various attempts at self-medicating and whatnot) but I was able to tackle the first round of serious submissions for the film.

I'm lacking in the area of ACHAK (18-year-old Native American male character) submissions, but I spent about seven hours pouring through my master files and found a few guys who I know could book the role today, so I'm less nervous about specific submissions. I can call these guys in and even make straight offers, if we have to resort to that.

In other news, it was the second anniversary of Keith's mom's death, so that meant a lot of caretaking and checking in and other such stuff. I wouldn't have had a clue how to deal with this, had I not gone through it all myself. Definitely, passing the two-year mark seems to help. It's like this:

YEAR ONE: 1/2 numb, 1/2 zombie-coping
YEAR TWO: 1/4 numb, 1/4 zombie-coping, 1/4 back to normal, and 1/4 sad that anything so sad could ever begin feeling less sad
YEAR THREE: 1/2 back to normal, 1/8 angry, 1/8 ready to move on, 1/8 respectful of the hole that never goes away, 1/8 sad that there is a hole and that there once was not
YEAR FOUR: 3/4 back to a new kind of normal--one with a layer of sad and angry and lonely built in, 1/4 respectful of the hole that never goes away

It is my hope that, in year five, that respect for the hole that never goes away becomes a part of that new kind of normal. Right now, what is hardest for me is the beginning to forget-slash-the never having asked about things that weren't relevant to the gal in her 20s but that are absolutely important to me now... and I can't find out whether they were important to Mom.

Ugh. There comes some of that sad stuff again.

*sigh*

Okay, so in other, other news...

Thwok brings me joy every single day. She flops down, exposes her belly, tucks her chin under, and rolls rolls rolls. I babytalk to her the way my Mom would babytalk Archie and Salema and Muffy before them (and me before that, my brothers before me, etc.). And every time I see her little belly, I say, "I so love you!"

Then I think of my sis Deb who brought Thwok into my life and who is also facing an anniversary (her mother died while Deb and Ash were with me for Perfect auditions last year). I quietly send a prayer, a whisper, a vibe, an open-valve stream of energy to everyone who needs a spiritual hug and am happy that something weighing less than five pounds with a chirpy little purr can inspire me in such giving ways.

I then send all that love to fellow Motherless Daughters Ali, Dawn, and Faith, as well as others who float in and out of my head as I smile in the same way I smile at the sight of a hummingbird.

As much as I'd like to keep at all of this, I have audition appointments to schedule. Bless sweet little Shauna for being my casting assistant AGAIN. She's seriously good people--and VERY good at this job, should she ever care to pursue it.

OH! This just in: Aleta, wherever you bought that flourless pistachio cake has my business FOREVER. I'm STILL in heaven over that yummy goodie you brought over!!!!! WOW! Can't wait to try the flourless almond cake! You are so thoughtful! Thank you!

Posted by bonnie at February 11, 2005 1:02 AM