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May 26, 2008
Experiment: Day Twenty-Two
One of the benefits to being a professional college student is getting to let the state pay for thousands and thousands of dollars of health care because it's a part of the "Student Activities Fees" you pay each year. When I was an undergrad, I learned that "health care" included "mental health care" and decided to see a therapist.
He was a total dick.
I went to him like a half-dozen times and he always made me feel like shit.
When I went back for grad school and realized the parking was better, the professors were better, and the health care practitioners were better at the student clinic when you flashed a grad ID card, I decided I'd try some of that free therapy again.
And by the grace of whatever stroke of "meant to be"-ness it is that aligned my appointment request with the right open slot, I ended up with Claire Scott, who I'm still convinced is one of the finest therapists on the planet. (Of course, I only have a sample size of TWO--Claire and that dick from undergrad--but I stand by my vote. Claire was awesome.)
Claire was so awesome in fact that when she finished her on-site residency via her doctorate and moved to private practice, I followed her there. Yup. I left the warm, free bosom of state-school-mental-health-care and spent 50 bucks a week to see Claire in a real office in town. (Yes, I realize I was still getting a steal of a deal. Sheesh, can you imagine? $50 for an hour of therapy? Anywhere outside of a college town?)
One of my favorite things that Claire ever said to me--and there were MANY favorite things, quite a few of which I cite to this day as ways to stay grounded, many more of which I mention to others as analogies for anything from living through bumpy romances to surviving a career in acting--was that everything is a choice.
Of course, I was 25 and I wanted to argue with her, because I was sure that I had lived a life in which there were a bunch of things thrust upon me and I know I didn't have a choice in the matter so what the hell is she talking about and blah-blah-blah-oh-shut-up-25.
She clarified that it's not about choosing the "what happens" part. It's about choosing the "how it happens" or, more importantly, the "how it feels" part of things.
As an example, she asked me to interlace my fingers. I did.
She asked me to notice which thumb was on top. Which hand was "dominant" in this instinctive act of interlacing my fingers as I clasped my hands in front of me.
Left. (Of course. I'm a lefty.)
She asked me to choose to interlace my fingers with the right thumb on top, the right hand being dominant.
Ew. It felt weird. I suddenly remembered an improv coach from when I was a kid, acting in Atlanta, who talked about brushing your teeth with "the other hand" just to get out of habits you don't even realize you have. I remembered learning that it was no harder to brush my teeth right-handed than left-handed... but it was different. It was a choice. But it was a choice I'd made so damn often THAT ONE WAY that it no longer felt like a choice. It felt like "the way it is."
Oh my God, I said. I think I get it.
Claire smiled. She advised, "Next time you feel like you don't have a choice, just interlace your fingers 'the other way.' Remind yourself that how you do anything--how you feel anything--is totally up to you. You always have a choice."
The other day, when Keith and I were sitting in the floor, taking our daily five minutes of meditation (which those of you who have been following the Experiment saw me start up on Day 12), we heard a car accident take place outside our home. When our five minutes were done, I headed to the window and watched one very angry man--kicking at the air, punching at the air, cursing at the air--and one very "just there" man--taking it all in.
Does it matter who caused the accident I didn't see? Sure. Maybe. To someone. Like an insurance company or a customer planning to make a claim. But regardless of the cause of the pain, it's the choice in how to handle it that we ultimately control.
It's almost as if, by releasing all control of how it should be, we get it exactly the way we would've wanted it in the first place.
Ah. That's nice. It's also nice if it doesn't work out like that. That's the cool thing about getting to choose how you react to anything. You can always do it "the other way" and see how that feels too.
Day Twenty-Two:
I am grateful for choices.
(What is the Experiment? It is this.)
Posted by bonnie at May 26, 2008 8:27 PM