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September 10, 2008
The Bliss of Flow (AKA: Growing Up Gillespie)
For all of the not-so-goods that came with growing up me, there were a lot of goods too. A lot of really goods.
But one of the not-so-goods involved living in a house in which the dominant mood set the tone for all other occupants of that house.
While Mom had a temper, she wasn't often angry. When she was, it was ugly, but luckily it was one of those experiences no one had to encounter too often. The fear of encountering it was quite enough.
What Mom was, though, was very much influenced by what others did or thought or said or felt about her. And for a good part of my adult life (and certainly throughout all of my childhood and teen years), that was my way of living too.
If Kenneth was drinking, Mom was in despair. If Bill was ignoring us, Mom was indignant. If Daddy was a no-show, Mom was furious. If Heddy was micromanaging us, Mom was stubborn. If WL was leaching, Mom was depressed. If I was being bullied at school, Mom was in crisis.
And whatever Mom felt, we all felt. The very walls of the house took on the tint of Mom's moods. She was that powerful a force. Still is, sometimes.
What I only got to see as Mom lived the last decade of her life was a beautiful new world in which Mom's emotional tone was not (as much) dictated by those in her life and what those folks were doing, saying, thinking, or feeling. For the first time, Mom was feeling how SHE was feeling. And it was beautiful to see that, because it was so very different than how most of our days together had been.
And so much more pleasant.
Somehow, in her last few years on the planet, Mom was less consumed by what others thought. (Not entirely disinterested, but absolutely LESS consumed, and that was an important distinction to experience.) She was less emotionally attached to what others were doing or saying or thinking or feeling. And suddenly, she cared less about whether everyone in her sphere of influence went on her emotional journeys with her.
She became an old woman who wore purple, basically.
This is on my mind today because I realize that I, in my 30s, have gone from being the kind of person who felt extreme highs and lows because of what others did or said or thought or acted like they MIGHT have thought or how they glanced at me in a way that would make me THINK they MIGHT have thought something about me or anything I cared about (God forbid, anyONE I cared about) to being the kind of person who gives less than a flying fruit loop what anyone else is thinking, doing, saying, feeling about ANYTHING...
especially what they're thinking about me, doing to me, saying about/to me, feeling about me.
I remember hearing the quote, "What others think about you is none of your business," back when I was in my late teens or early 20s. I thought it was brilliant. I wrote it down. I tried to make it a mantra. I really tried to believe it. I really tried to live it.
But that's the big difference between me 10 or 20 years ago and me now.
I don't try so hard anymore. I just BE.
And I do it without apology and certainly (more and more, lately) without giving a second thought to what others might think or feel or say or believe about what it is I'm doing or how I'm living.
Because I'm now acutely aware of what my mom waited until she was in her 60s to finally understand even a little bit.
How we feel about what others are doing, saying, feeling, or thinking has nothing to do with THEM and everything to do with us. And since that means that I get to CHOOSE how I feel, EVERY time, I'm just going to choose to feel great. And that means I do what feels good RIGHT NOW, every time.
Selfish? You betcha.
It's about damn time.
And I am amazed how bliss-filled living in my home feels. Keith is the perfect partner to this flow because he RARELY feels any attachment to what others think or do or say or feel. Sure, he cares about me. Sure, he wants me to be happy. But if he comes home feeling great and I'm in a shitty mood, he does NOT let that change his mood.
Basically, the walls here do NOT take on the tint of the dominant mood.
Oh, shit. Or maybe they DO.
Hold up! Yes they DO because the dominant mood is always "WHATEVER" here.
We're just so happy to be who we are, when we are, where we are, how we are that there is nothing but "blissed out" going on around here, and when the pissy mood or the crabby mood or the stubborn mood or the bullied mood or the low-tolerance mood comes through, it's as fleeting as we choose to let it be.
If we wallow in it, that's a choice.
And with choice being such a powerful tool, we use it wisely.
Feeling like shit is a choice. Even if you're feeling like shit because of something someone else "did to you."
I grew up in a home where we gave away a lot of power. We let others dictate how we felt an awful lot of the time.
What a waste!
Why let anyone else drive your emotional, psychic/spiritual, or mental car one moment more than it takes to realize you've handed over those keys?
Dear GAWD, I'm thrilled to get this NOW rather than 30 years from now.
Feeling like shit? Choose a better feeling. Right now.
That's all there is to it.
Certain you can't choose a better feeling? That's a bad place to be. It's also not true. You can ALWAYS choose a better feeling. I'm not saying "drastically better," here. "One note up the scale better" is enough to get going in the right direction.
Or not. ;) Maybe you're super happy exactly where you are. Awesome. If being miserable makes you happy somehow, that's so dang cool. Keep choosing that.
I no longer feel responsible for keeping anyone else happy. I TRUST that you're going to take care of your choices and live your fullest life.
That's what I'm doing.
And while people rarely like hearing that others are happy (Weird, isn't that? Such a sad trait humans have, not liking seeing others happy in public.), I'm unapologetic about it. I logged plenty of years being less-happy because I thought it would serve some purpose. Nope. It only served to make me "less than." And that doesn't help anyone.
Especially me.
Posted by bonnie at September 10, 2008 2:42 PM
Comments
It's funny--I've been kinda working at this whole thing about choosing my emotions. (I'm slowly making my way through "The Power of Now" which is mostly about this.)
It is weird that many people don't like to celebrate other people's happiness, because I think that's one of the totally fun things about this life. I met a guy last weekend & saw him last night and he was so excited about something he'd accomplished at work that day--and man alive, that boy's smile when he talked about that just lit up the room. I was all tired when I walked in the door--but it just felt good to say, "That's really awesome that you were able to make that happen."
I vote "yes" to being around blissful people more often. :-) And to choosing to be happy myself.
Posted by: Hannah at September 11, 2008 6:58 AM
Amen, Hannah! AMEN!!! Righ on, right on, right on!
Choose happier! Always! :) (Even just a wee, tiny bit happier sometimes.) Yay!
XO
Posted by: Bon at September 19, 2008 1:26 PM