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April 28, 1999

Email with Sloane

[Sloane's words in italics.] Oh!! There is one interesting bit of information that has come across the wire. I got a phone call from Greg Palmer today. Greg Palmer was the guy in my high school who had his fingers in every pie: Presidential Scholar, president of every club, band geek, etc, etc. Three guesses what that phone call was regarding, and the first two guesses don't count. Yep....it's reunion time. Woohoo!! It is scheduled for August 6 and 7. A two day event. How scary is that. So I have 17 weeks (yes, I counted) to lose 60 pounds, get a good paying job, hot, successful boyfriend, and find a killer outfit. No pressure. None. Very relaxed. Calm. Peaceful. SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cue tragic score.....DUM DUM DUUMMMMMM!! Commence weeping.......I'm considering taking up bulimia as a hobby.

Hoochie Momma!!!! Good luck, girl. I was at 196 lbs. with a goal of 169 lbs. in the ten weeks prior to my reunion... one week away and I hadn't lost an ounce, so I bought Star Caps ($100 at GNC... but they WORK) and got down to 186 and felt better about myself. Of course, one month later, I'd weigh 205, so... it's a deal with the devil. Good luck to you! Go, even if you weigh 300 lbs. You'll kick yourself if you don't at least go. As you know, I had a blast. It's just a very surreal experience. How can we have graduated 10 years ago? Very strange. Good luck on your quest to be thin, rich, engaged, and in the best looking Vera Wang gown south of the Oscars. Let me know how you do! As for Bulimia... I'd recommend becoming a cocaine addict first. Then try bulimia if you don't reach goal weight in time. That nasty puking is really bad for your teeth. Coke may give you nosebleeds, but at least you don't care as much about hygiene as if you were sober and purging. See, you wanna go for the path of least consciousness. Don't know what you're doing to yourself and you're much more likely to succeed at it. Right?

I'm stalled out at 169 - 171. I keep showing up at Jenny Craig every week to weigh in... and I keep spending the money, knowing that I'll break out of the plateau eventually, if I just keep at it. But the emotional issues are the biggies now. I have done as much as I can on the purely physical level. Now the work gets really hard and very personal. And I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet. This past week and a half has been a roller coaster of bullshit and tears. Every person I've taken care of for the past few months has now shit on me. In a way, that's a good thing, since I can now go from feeling "poor me" about it all and now be pissed. Anger is a great motivator. Of course, that's easy to say when you've just had a Butterfinger for breakfast. What the hell do I know anyway?

I look great. I know that. Size 12 jeans... tucking shirts in... But, it's still feeling like failure to be 18 lbs. away from Goal and not moving one inch toward it. Maybe it's when I let go that it'll all come together. We'll see.

Lessee......I passed Chicken Shit on Alps the other day. Don't know if he recognized me without "Sucker" stamped on my forehead. Still haven't run into him in the big bad world, or even the Engine Room. Go figure. I came across that Halloween picture of him you gave me and was actually embarrassed. He was dressed as a clown. Ahhh....you have to appreciate the irony.

Well, I'm glad the wussy knows better than to show up at the ER. He'd be wrung through if I were there. Trust me! I'd treat him like the bitch that he is. Well, as for the clown irony (and yes, I do appreciate it), I think we really do reveal ourselves without meaning to in photos. The one I have of Ed from before I left Athens is the absolute poster-child-for-hemp-nation if you ask me. Whenever I miss any part of what I had with him, I look at that photo and remember him leaving my room to go downstairs to watch The Simpsons b/c that TV was "closer to the beer". Then I know that I did not cut ties with my Prince Charming... so there's nothing to mourn. Same for you, sweetie. HIS LOSS.

So that's me in a nutshell. How are you?? Absolutely fabulous I hope. Can't wait to see you in May!!

Ooh, ouch... news on that... I'm not going to make it home in May after all. My acting class has bumped its "final exam" (a comedic improv scrimmage) to 5/17, so I'd have to leave after that... which means I'm missing Mother's Day and mom's birthday anyway... so, I'm going to push it until after my job here at the temp agency is through, so I don't have to take off work and miss out on earning money, plus spend money, to go home. I can just wait until the summer, when my work here is through anyway, and then have the flexibility to take off whenever. Also, I need to save money to get into my own apartment (the roommate situation is not pleasant) and, of course, to get my new photos done. Then there's tuition (but worth paying, since it saves me making $300 / month loan payments) and books... you see, it's getting tight and... well, I'm already not going to be there on Mom's special days, meaning I'm the evil child... no longer the favorite. So, I might as well stay out here and be totally selfish until I'm famous enough to redeem myself somehow.

Yes, I'm filled with guilt on this issue. Suckola! Of course, stack Mom, Ed, Maria, Dawn and anybody else on the stack and you'll understand why I'm craving drugs again. Luckily, I have not tried to acquire my beloved Fiorinal, nor have I resumed smoking. I have, however, renewed a love affair with chocolate. So be it. I deserve a vice right now. I'm homesick and poor and lonely and heartbroken and fat. So there!

Of course, not everything is THAT bad... I'm just venting. I'm actually feeling on "the other side" of my shit too. The shift I mentioned above, from "poor me" to anger, has been very helpful, methinks. A very different energy now. Maybe one that will serve me better for awhile.

Posted by bonnie at 4:48 PM

April 20, 1999


Emotions emotions emotions! Damn it, this is hard work. I get so afraid of telling anyone what I really want or need, or how it hurts me when they treat me carelessly... so I never say a word. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT LANDED ME HERE! I have to do this! All the way through. It is so hard to stand up for myself, when I've thought my whole life that I have to be perfect or else I will be left, I'll be unloved, I'll be abandoned. So, as soon as I feel the need to stand up for myself, I get petrified of the consequences... and do nothing. Oh, well... I eat.

Right now I'm just thankful that I'm not smoking, drinking, drugging, sexing, or lying my way through the pain... eating, I can handle. And I'm keeping it in check by staying 90% on Jenny Craig and showing up at the scale every Thursday, like it or not. So, that's progress. It really is. But now I have to find the guts to take care of me, no matter what. I HAVE to stop worrying so much about what others may think of me if I do... anything. It doesn't matter. This is about me. It's time for me to begin treating myself with the respect and love I reserve for everyone else and stop expecting it from them. That's not what creates my self worth. And it's not their judgements that diminish it. It's my own.

Posted by bonnie at 4:46 PM

April 10, 1999


Well, I'm stalled out on the brink of the 160s. I keep hitting 169 and then jumping quickly back to 171 (for safety, methinks). I was in the 160s when the earthquake hit and I was so miserable being stuck out here in that job at Left Bank So, there's some emotional stuff I have to deal with, hitting the 160s again. Also, the 150s loom short-out in the distance... and that's where I was when I was date raped in high school. As you can see, I have now some much harder work to do: the emotional stuff. I think, though, I am finally ready. I am doing some amazingly good, hard work in acting class, and I think that must be my outlet for much of what I've let food help me cope with for all these years. Also, with Daylight Savings Time here, I've started my walk/jog after work. That's been wonderful! I feel as if I've reunited with a part of myself I've left dormant since leaving Athens. I used to do this EVERY day there. So, I'm thrilled to be able to do it again. And I'm committed to continue doing so. It feels sooo good.

I'm really taking care of myself, doing affirmations, being patient with my slips and binges, praying, being thankful for all the wonderful gifts in my life, and connecting with my Self as much as possible, while still living in this crazy world.

Remember, last year I said I wanted to be able to participate in ECO-Challenge 2000 (whether I do or not, I at least want to be in good enough physical condition to do so). Well, ECO-Challenge '99 is on tonight and I am so much more fit and active than I was a year ago, when I put that fantasy "out there" to my friends. The body is an amazing miracle. We can do so much and rebuild so quickly from all the damage we do to ourselves. What a gift the body is! I'm so happy to be exercising again!

Posted by bonnie at 4:46 PM

April 3, 1999

Size 12

The size 12 jeans are getting loose on me. I may not be seeing any progress on the scales, but my body is slowly getting smaller, and I have the measurements to prove it. I've lost 38.5" in my bust, waist, abs, hips, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and upper arms since beginning this process in August 1998. My first out-of-town visitor really noticed, saying, "You look SO good." That felt good to hear, from someone I haven't seen in three months.

I've been a little distracted from my diet and exercise, what with running the office and having company, but now that things are getting back on track (Maria's back in the office and Ed's headed back to Athens), I can focus on the whole reason I'm out here: acting. I've decided to join Shawna in showcasing. She and I have been singing together and we're going to try and cut a demo when she returns from London with her band. Now we're going to be scene partners in casting showcases. I'm beginning to feel my priorities shift back to where they should be: ME. I've done enough in the area of caretaking lately, and it's time to get back to me.

Posted by bonnie at 4:45 PM