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February 13, 2000


Gary Zukov says that the soul needs four things. Harmony (with Intention... not in the way that we'll do whatever it takes to keep conflict from happening, but that it is our intention to have love and harmony in our lives, so we don't engage the driver who's filled with road rage -- man, that's big in LA); Cooperation (it's the goal that causes us to be together for this moment in time); Sharing (and not the little stuff that we can do without -- the things that make up our very soul); and Reverence for Life (seeing beyond the "Earth Suit" when we see others and - most importantly - ourselves in the mirror).

My favorite point he makes about Reverence is that we can never do anything to harm what we revere. So, do I revere myself? Not when I'm cruel or filled with self-hatred over a few pounds. I'm so happy to know that I am so much more than my physical body. In fact, I am so NOT my physical body. Any judgment I lay on myself is not really on My Self. It's on my body. And that is not ME.

The reason I start out on this today is because, after one session of Krav Maga, I became very ill. Now, I haven't been sick like this for quite some time. I know what happened. In fact, I felt it happen during the workout. As soon as the drill went from technique to application, I had to punch and kick a pad held by a man. Although he was extremely helpful in coaching me, the point is, he's a man... he's playing the attacker... and I'm having to defend myself physically. It just opened up wounds I've kept sealed for years.

See, my body has protected me from having to be in that situation again. And now, learning how to handle myself, in case lightening strikes twice, I've become too ill to learn more. What is it that my body will do, once its main duty has become obsolete? Well, it's panicking, for damn sure.

I'm both frustrated and thankful, because I know that my body is only doing what I've asked it to do for almost 14 years -- keep me safe. But, at the same time, I really do want to do this. Numerologically, I'm in my emotional year, so it's about time to do the dirty work and get past this bullshit. And I'm now I'm pissed at having wasted time and money -- and for having delayed Dawn's start date too. So, maybe that's what it's taking for me to get to the point where I CAN do this, being pissed off enough to take control of this situation, that on some level, has controlled me for far too long.

God, I hope so. I am so ready to not be dealing with this. So, soul, I'm laying out my INTENTION to work through the pain and stop fearing entry into it. I REVERE myself enough to no longer harm myself by inaction. Looking the other way has taught me many lessons, and I do not regret one day of my life in denial, but it's time to learn in a different way. Starting now.

Posted by bonnie at 5:06 PM